Things are making me crazy lately; I always get freaked out this time of year as I prepare to go to the Edinburgh Fringe. The organisation alone makes me feel like I have to be one of those mystical Hindu Gods with seventeen arms and possibly two heads. Luckily I do have help, but I still worry sick about the tiny details.

 

To make matters worse my daughter Ashley told me that whenever she does anything wrong she worries incessantly that I will be so disappointed with her and she tries not to tell me stuff and instead tells her dad. That makes me feel bad so we talked about it.

Am I that judgmental? Am I that scary?

 

So we discussed, when we were in Glastonbury Ashley unfolded a small pop up tent we bought as an addition to the big tent as we decided that because we never had a car to store luggage- a pop up tent was the answer to our problems…anyway Ashley popped up the tent and then promptly snapped it broke within two seconds of it opening.

 

I apparently sighed loudly…so loudly…she felt terrible about her mistake and used this incident as an example of my overwhelming disappointment at her.

 

I was astounded at her saying this, I did sigh loudly, I was fucked off she broke the thing within three seconds of opening it…but then I immediately assured her that it was all ok. The most important thing was to get it up and get the luggage inside as we were being flooded.

 

But that didn’t count…I sighed…and she felt crushed.

 

I have no idea how to fix this issue, I have told her that no matter what she does – she must tell me, I will be disappointed BUT I will lie, cheat and even kill to protect her and would do so willingly.

 

Being a mother is hard.

 

Husband is exempt from this psychological torture, he apparently doesn’t care what she does and reassures her that all is well and she can tell him anything. Does that make me Hitler?

 

My reckoning is this…husband has disappointed me so much in life and is used to making mistakes so Ashley and he have an empathy that I don’t.

 

I am wrong aren’t I?

 

I make loads of mistakes and I talk about them and discuss where and why I went wrong. I am sure I disappoint loads of people but I cant do everything right every time and I explained this to Ashley. I am not always disappointed in her, I am allowed to be either annoyed or shocked at something she did, but I will always stand by her.

 

I think somewhere along the line I have damaged her and I feel bad.

 

 

Am sitting in Leeds chatting on the phone to my daughter Ashley, she was still in Glasgow and it was late afternoon on Saturday. She then told me that Glasgow had just had a terrorist attack. Two Asian men had rammed a Cherokee Jeep into the front of Glasgow Airport. This was on the same day as two car bomb attacks had failed to ignite in London.

 

I immediately switched on the BBC news channel.

 

The engine had exploded on impact, and then they ran out and started to throw petrol onto the flames.

 

What they really under estimated was Glasgow’s fierce winds; the fucking petrol and flames blew back and set fire to their heads. Then the police and Scottish bystanders ran around the place looking for the terrorists…erm…excuse me I think you will find that the two people with their hair on fire, screaming Allah may be the people you are looking for!

 

What amazed me and made me laugh my ass off was the Scottish stoic attitude to the first Al Qaeda attack on our soil.

 

Glaswegians were all over the BBC news talking calmly about the scary event. For instance, when the BBC reporter asked what had happened the wee old man actually said live on the worlds news.

 

“Well, two P.P...(Almost saying the word Paki which is horribly offensive) Asian fellows came running towards me, their hair was on fire, I fought in the war son, so I kicked one of them to the ground and the rain never stopped once, I cannae believe this rain in June can you? I suppose that’s my flight to Magaluf fucked then eh? ”

 

I sat in Leeds and pissed myself laughing, you see Glaswegian people don’t understand Muslim terrorists, they keep asking “Are they Catholic or Protestant Muslims?” We only understand sectarianism, after years of IRA and UDA fighting all over the UK, we really have only got our heads around that!

 

We just cannot believe it has happened as we just don’t understand it at all especially as all the events of terror that day had failed. I think they may be the Provisional Al Qaeda; these people aren’t very good at their job. Also it is the first time the apparent fundamentalists haven’t attempted suicide in their attacks. So it’s all very odd and hap hazard to be honest.

 

The other strange and funny thing is the UK police are calling the police investigation ‘Operation Cobra’ which is so fucking funny as ‘Cobra’ is a famous Asian/Indian Beer here in the UK. It’s like saying we will call our operation after a beer that you guys make but shouldn’t be allowed to drink if you are true to your religion!

 

I am not scared anymore, I am Scottish and more worried that some drug addled fuck wit will rob me of my purse.